hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
