I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize