she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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