The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
