so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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