My underwear smells like fireworks.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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