Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
