i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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