So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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