I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
