Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
