i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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