connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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