He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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