So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
