When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
