We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
