I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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