my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
