Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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