i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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