I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
