College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize