I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
