I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I am naked and annoyed.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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