I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
