Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
