and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
