Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
