Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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