If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
