How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
