Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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