I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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