I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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