I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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