Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
