my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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