she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Randomize
