dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
