some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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