So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I deserve this hangover.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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