When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
