She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
