Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
