I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize