I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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