I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
People in love make me want to vomit
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
