there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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