You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
