My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize