this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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