watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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