if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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