my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
