the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I need to stop coming to work sober
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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