If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
you never un-have a 4some
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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