Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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