i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
