Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(310): View more from California

My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I saw his package. It spoke to me.

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(716): View more from New York

right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I love how my cats smell like pot.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots

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(630): View more from Illinois

So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.

(319): View more from Iowa

You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.

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(631): View more from New York

There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know

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(+45): View more from Denmark

The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.

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