i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
