I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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