Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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