the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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