Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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